NOTE FROM THE EDITOR !
Welcome to the St. David’s Children Society news-letter! As of now, the newsletter will be coming through your doors twice a year, in the spring and the autumn. The St. David’s newsletter is being established as a way of keeping in touch with all our adopters and providing information and sharing good news.
I am hoping that all our readers, the young and less young, will find something of interest. Everyone who receives this newsletter is invited, ie. positively encouraged, to contribute items and provide feedback, of a general or specific nature. It is through feedback, that this newsletter can evolve and become what you would most like it to be.
There are a number of areas that we hope to update you on in each issue;
- 'Spotlight on Practice' which will keep you informed of any general adoption issues that you may hear about, including changes to law or procedures, or focus on the work of the agency.
- 'Good news' which will focus on good news, such as placements made, or anything positive that you would like to share with us.
- 'Events' which will keep you up to date with upcoming events and report back on those that have taken place.
- ‘News from families’, the section where you can share experiences, be they challenging or uplifting, or advice.
You may have children keen to see a picture, poem or story of theirs ‘published’… this is your section to fill!
- 'Ideas and information', the section intended to include ideas and information that may be useful to all those enjoying the roller coaster ride that is family life.
- 'Spotlight on resources' which will update you about useful books, websites, or other sources of information.
I hope you enjoy reading this first edition and that some of you may feel inspired to pass on feedback. I am also considering setting up an ‘advice corner’ where adopters can send in a query or seek advice about a particular issue and other adopters can respond. I am open to suggestions… Many thanks to those families who have contributed wonderful articles to this first edition.
Finally, I am appealing to all our families’ children to participate in our competition to come up with a name for the newsletter, and maybe even a picture / logo. Small mystery prize available to the winning entries, as well as the prestige of naming this top publication!
So read, enjoy, and feedback! Kate
info@stdavidscs.org
SPOTLIGHT ON PRACTICE
In this first edition, we bring your attention to the following topics; the impact of legislative changes on the agency, the role of the consortium in our placements, and the new programme of post-approval workshops
NOTE FROM THE DIRECTOR
For these past sixty years the Society had been providing adoption services across all of Wales and Herefordshire. In that time nearly 2,000 children have been placed for adoption. This is undoubtedly a major contribution to Welsh children and Welsh family life.
You may have become aware through the media, of the government ruling to implement the Sexual Orientation Regulations, which will have an impact on all of the Catholic Adoption Agencies. As a Catholic adoption agency, St. David’s is still very much in business and as widely documented in the press, our services are very much in demand and highly valued.
The Trustees and staff of the Society remain fully committed to providing our full range of adoption services, and in due course will be agreeing the best way forward to ensure that the well being and interests of children, and all our service users remain at the heart of future development plans for the agency.
While the future of our adoption services are not in doubt, the impact of the new legislation may result in the Society becoming an independent adoption charity. As yet no final decision has been made on this matter. We do however remain absolutely confident about our future. Gerry
SOUTH WALES ADOPTION AGENCIES CONSORTIUM (SWAAC)
SWAAC was launched in 2002 and is made up of nine local authorities (Cardiff, Caerphilly, Merthyr, Vale of Glamorgan, Neath Port Talbot, Rhondda Cynon Taf, Newport, Swansea and Bridgend) and two voluntary agencies (Barnardos and St David’s Childrens society). The primary purpose of the consortium is to provide a choice of placements for children needing adoption. Practitioners from each agency meet quarterly with the consortium coordinator to consider practical and training issues and all communication between SWAAC and the agency is done through the designated linkworker – Diane in our case.
Over the last three years (2004 – 2007) St Davids has referred more adopters to SWAAC than any other agency and the vast majority of the links made with our adopters have been through SWAAC. Other placements have been made through the North Wales consortium and through our links with neighbouring authorities. It has been many years since we have needed to cross the border! This is in line with our strategic plan to prioritise the placement of Welsh children in Wales.
The last two years has seen SWAAC introduce Adoption Exchange Days. Over 40 families attended the most recent on 27th September and the general feedback to date is that this was a successful event. We hope to have some definite matches to report in our next newsletter. Diane
POST-APPROVAL WORKSHOPS
We have recently started to run workshops for couples or individuals who have been to panel and are waiting to be matched with a child or children. The workshops came about from the ‘limbo’ that many families reported feeling after the emotional rush of preparing for panel and then waiting to hear about a placement. There are to be four workshops altogether, two are up and running and two are still in the planning stage.
The first one, ‘Presenting Ourselves’, looks at what happens when a social worker visits to talk about the child. The second, ‘Introductions and Beyond’, explores the introduction process. The others in the planning stage, are for extended family members to help them to prepare for the arrival of an adopted child. The last one is to look contact issues and a possible meeting with the birth parents before placement. We have received very positive feedback from the two workshops already in place and they, along with the others, will run on a regular basis.
Edwina THE TEAM AT ST. DAVID’S
Edwina joined St. David’s in 2005 and is a full time senior social worker, based in Cardiff. Additionally to assessing and supporting families, Edwina co-runs the post-approval workshops.
Kate joined St. David’s in 2007 as the other full time senior social worker, working between Cardiff and west Wales. Additionally to assessing and supporting families, Kate also co-runs the post-approval workshops and volunteered to set up the newsletter!
Joan is the team manager and has been with St. David’s since 2002, previously working in fostering and adoption with various local authority teams. Joan seems to know most of the social workers in Wales!
Jane joined St. David’s in 2001 and works part-time as a senior social worker. Additionally to assessing and supporting families, Jane organises the post-approval group and deals with the majority of ‘access to information’ work when adoptees or birth relatives want to search out information.
Diane has worked for, or with, St. David’s since 2002 and is known to everyone, as she is involved with preparation group, initial visits and reviews. Diane is also the link worker with the consortium who takes responsibility for liasing about possible matches.
Sue joined St. David’s in 2002 as the indispensable full time administration officer.
Gerry was appointed as Chief Executive Officer in December 1999.
Jackie is the other administration officer, and has been with St. David’s since 1986, when it was still run by the nuns, making her the fountain of much knowledge.
Freda (who unfortunately missed the photo), joined St. David’s in 2007, as a part time senior social worker, assessing and supporting families.
Some of you will also know Sera, who assesses and supports families in the mid-Wales area.
So there is the team! – over 65 years worth of experience with the agency between us!
SPOTLIGHT ON EVENTS
The Annual Mass in June of this year was a success again, with families enjoying the appearance of the sun, following a grey start to the day. Once again, the nuns from Nazareth House provided lovely food and families enjoyed meeting up with each other. Children enjoyed the bouncy castle and face-painting and Paddy the Clown was a big hit! Staff at St. David’s always enjoy a chance to meet up with families at these relaxed events and never cease to be amazed at how quickly all these children seem to grow up!
The second consortium information-exchange event took place in September and many children’s details were available to prospective adopters. It seems that everyone was very glad to have gone, though feelings on the day understandably ranged from overwhelmed, and upset by some of the information, to excited about the idea of parenthood becoming more real. At the time of writing, it looks very likely that several matches will be made as a result of this event.
Jane continues to organise very enjoyable post-approval groups and has written about these in more detail.
ST DAVID’S CHILDREN SOCIETY ADOPTERS’ SUPPORT GROUP
The Adopter’s Support group was set up six years ago and meets on a quarterly basis on a Saturday at The Minster’s Christian Centre in Cardiff and enables approved adopters to meet in a relaxed setting with a crèche facility being available for those with children.
I undertake the organisation and facilitation of the group in conjunction with fellow workers from St. David’s and we organise speakers who focus on issues that adopters have expressed an interest in exploring, with resultant lively discussion from all! Over the years some of the areas explored has included ‘the process of introductions’, the impact for adults and children of loss and separation, attachment, and looking at ways of managing children’s behaviour (and ours as adults).
I really enjoy taking part in the support groups, to a large part due to the affable nature and supportive atmosphere, which obviously exists between people who basically find themselves ‘in the same boat’. Adopters are invited to the group once they have been approved and this results in the group being really dynamic, people attending from the time they have ‘survived’ the adoption panel, to those with children whose adoption order has already been granted.
Indeed, over the last year, feedback from group participants indicates they find the discussions which have taken place to have been very useful, particularly in respect of the ‘experienced’ hands passing on the benefit of knowledge gained from their particular ‘adoption journey’ which will have aspects common to all.
Adopters attending the group meet up again with people they had got to know on their training course and one of the major benefits of the group is the facility to ‘network’. This often occurs during the communal lunch, which is enjoyed by all and an important feature of the session.
Feedback also suggests that it is not just adults who enjoy themselves at the group; children too like their time at the crèche. Activities are always planned by the police checked crèche workers to account for the wide age range of children attending the group. They are also enabled to meet up with other adopted children and birth children who have adopted siblings.
I feel it is a real privilege to be involved with the group. I always come away with the satisfied feeling that the group has a good ‘usefulness’ rating. Having said this, on a lighter note we are all looking forward to our ‘Christmas do’ which is on 8th December 2007 when we have organised a clown/circus performer show for the children and a talk on relaxation/aroma therapy for the adults - I cannot wait’!. All newcomers will receive a warm welcome.
My regards to everyone, Jane.
SPOTLIGHT ON RESOURCES
For anyone who is not aware, St David’s has it’s own website which can be found at www.stdavidscs.org The website has information about the agency and support available, as well as a message board, and links to other agencies.
We are also about to start distributing ‘Congratulations : Now what?!’ a booklet for adopters once they are approved, to guide them through the matching process and prepare for the addition of a new child in their lives.
NEWS FROM FAMILIES
We are delighted to have several articles from families for this first edition; one about the experience of attending a life appreciation day, one about choosing to adopt for a second time, and one about introductions. Sometimes, there is no better way of learning about something than from someone who has been through it and these articles are both balanced, and honest. A special thank you also to Chloe who is seven and has contributed a wonderful questionnaire about herself.
APPRECIATION DAY
In June 2007, we attended an ‘appreciation day’. The appreciation day told the story of the two children we are hoping to adopt from birth to the present day. The children’s social worker wrote the lifeline of the children on big sheets which she attached to the wall so that all involved in the process could see and pin-point strategic times within the lives of the children. The people present were all professional and had contact at sometime with the children. The information given was confidential and only for the people attending the day. At the end of the lifeline were our names and photos of the children. We were pleased and excited to see our names had been added to the end of the lifeline as we became part of the children’s lives.
We did not know what to expect from the day and we believe the experience is a relatively new concept, as our social worker had not previously attended one. The children’s social worker started talking about the children from the time they were born and the people in the room were asked to contribute and give their experiences at the appropriate time when they met the children. We were surprised to see so many people attending the day: past head teacher, teacher, doctor, nurse, past and present foster carers and social workers. We felt quite emotional that all of these people turned up, said nice things and were willing the adoption to be a success. The whole process was fairly informal and people were encouraged to contribute and ask questions throughout. Some of the people that had been involved in the children’s lives previously brought photographs and DVDs of the children and it was amazing to see and hear how the children had progressed since being in the care system.
We (and some of the others) found some of the children’s story quite harrowing as there were times in the children’s past which sadly could not be accounted for and obviously learning about the type of neglect and speaking to the people involved was painful at times. However we found the day extremely informative and positive in many ways; not only did we get to know more about the children’s history, but we were able to meet some of the people that had a positive influence on the children’s lives. They were also able to meet us and hopefully be encouraged by the prospect that the children were going to a loving and caring new ‘forever mummy and daddy’. It was fantastic meeting the current foster carers who seem to be doing a great job with the children – developing their social skills, confidence and health. If given the opportunity to attend such an event, we would strongly urge all future adopters to attend an appreciation day as we believe it is good practice – finding the experience very positive, emotional, informative and encouraging for all involved.
By Mark and Sharon
At the time of writing this, we are exactly one week after meeting the Adoption Panel and a few days after receiving the letter from St. David’s to say that they have accepted us to adopt with them for a second time. It’s a time of feeling excited about what is to come and a little bit nervous about the unknown.
We have been at this point in the process before, adopting a 13 month old girl, who is now a boisterous, cheeky four year old, full of life and character and a very big part of our family. Looking back over our experiences the first time, some of me feels more relaxed, having had experience of the process, and the other part of me apprehensive about the possible problems and hurdles there will be to overcome.
When Angharad was placed with us 3 years ago, she had a hard time attaching. I had read all the literature given to us regarding attachment difficulties, but still, somehow, it came as a shock when this new little girl, obviously hurting, did not reach out to me for comfort, but instead actively pushed me away. She refused to engage in any way, even avoiding eye contact and any form of contact or touch. This I found incredibly difficult and only with the help of the guys at St. David’s we made it through.
With encouragement to be patient, persevere and constantly engage in games and activities that would promote bonding, things slowly began to change. Over the first few months that she was with us, we began to build a relationship that is now good.. I think that’s what they give you adoption leave from work for, because it certainly is a big time and emotional investment! Now we are bonded, attached, whatever the right word is, our relationship is a strong one. Angharad gives us incredible joy and blessing and it was well worth the initial hard times, although it is much easier to say that looking back than it was to say it at the time!
Now we’re here again standing on the edge of starting again, whatever that is going to bring us. Having the experience of having done it before, but knowing that all experiences are different. Most of all, we know that it’s going to take time and patience and are incredibly grateful that we can rely on St. David’s to give us all the help and support we might need, again!
Rachel
Meeting the Kids
No amount of training or courses can prepare you for the moment you meet your children, the first sight of my children is seared into my memory in the way that very few other events are.
We'd been in the planning meeting for what seemed like hours, twitching and constantly looking at our watches as from here we were going straight to meet the kids. Eventually it finished, we said our goodbyes and drove to the foster carer's house, she was called Mary and we‘d met her once before. Before we'd even turned the engine off I could see a boy in a maroon school sweatshirt literally bouncing on the front step of the house, as we walked down the path we could hear, "Is that my new Daddy? Is that my new Mummy? Is that their car?", closer still and we glimpsed his sister peering nervously from behind Mary‘s legs. We crowded into the living room, new Mum, new Dad two social workers, Mary, a Winnie the Pooh shaped helium balloon, one shaped as Bob the Builder, and the kids. Gareth kept bouncing, gradually slowing down as he began to show us all his prized possessions, Bethan regarded us warily, confused perhaps about exactly what was happening. Their reactions could not have been more different, within minutes Gareth was clambering all over us whilst Bethan sat nervously on our knees, her body tense and stiff. After a while Gareth asked "Daddy, what's your real name?", I was prodded by the social worker next to me, you're just called Daddy she whispered to me, "James" I said. "In that case I'm going to call you James", said Gareth. "That's fine", I replied and before we knew it our brief but emotionally overwhelming first visit was over.
"Daddy!!" was the shout that greeted me the next morning as we returned for day two of the introductions. We had another couple of hours just trying to get to know the kids a bit better as the next day we were due to take them out to the park for the first time. Mary tried to help Bethan understand what was happening, "Do you know who you're going to live with Bethan", she asked. "Im" she pointed at me, "an er" as she waved towards Jane. Gareth continued his no holds barred approach to adoption, "when are we coming to live with you then?" he demanded. Bethan continued to be more reserved although you could feel her start to relax ever so slightly when she sat on your knee.
The day of the trip to the park dawned and I'm sure we were more nervous than the kids. We'd both looked after friends' kids, and our own nieces but somehow this was different. We got to the park and the kids ran happily to the play equipment, Jane and I hovered nervously by them, what if they fell? Were they really big enough to be playing on the roundabout, we looked around at other parents chatting on the benches looking relaxed and unconcerned, would we ever look like that? After a while we heard the now familiar cry, "I need a wee", of course there were no toilets, a few minutes later father and daughter emerge from behind a nearby bush, one visibly relieved, and one with soggy shoes! We sat at the cafe and Jane sent me to get drinks for the kids. I bought two bottles of mineral water, he kids clutched the bottles and declared them the best, most special drinks they'd ever had. They wouldn't be separated from them. On the way back to the car Gareth fell over, Jane rushed to pick him up and he started crying hysterically, these tears were about much more than just a grazed knee.
A tired Mary and two tired kids greeted us the next morning. Both kids had wet the bed having drunk so much water the evening before, they had refused to be parted from the bottles we had bought them! Toady we were due to take the kids out for the whole day but we weren't yet allowed to show them where we lived. It was raining. We decided to go to Techniquest and spent a great couple of hours there but when we came out the rain hadn’t abated. Lunch followed at Cafe Junior where the kids played happily for another hour. When we'd exhausted this it was still raining and only 2pm, we couldn't take the kids back to our place and we weren't due to return them until 4 or 5pm. I drove very slowly and eventually we spent the rest of our first full day together buying wellies in Mothercare.
It was now that the introduction period really seemed to drag, we'd spent time with the kids, we'd put them to bed and bathed them, but they still weren't due to move in with us for another three days. We finally brought them over to our house for a visit, we'd decorated Bethan's room in pink with fairies and we were confident that it would go down pretty well but Gareth's room was blue with a creepy crawly border and he'd announced the day before that he was scared of spiders! In a panic we’d phoned Mary who put him to bed that night singing incy wincy spider, it appeared to work and when he saw it he seemed as pleased as his sister.
Until this point the kids had seemed as excited as us by the whole process but the visit to our house must have made things more real for them as it was now they started to get distressed. While they were at our house I had to drive Mary home leaving Jane on her own with the kids. I was gone for about an hour and a half and during this time all Bethan would do was crawl about the house making baby noises. Gareth was excited as ever but when he eventually got back to Mary’s house he burst into tears, he couldn’t understand what was going on, where was his home, here with his foster carer or at our house? We spoke to Mary and decided that enough was enough, although the introductions still had two days to run we needed to move them now, it was just too confusing for them. We rang our social worker and Mary rang hers, between us we decided that Gareth and Bethan would move in the next day, a day early although we would just call it a sleepover and the official move day would stay the same. As we said our goodbyes we left the kids with a little teddy bear each, just to look after so that they knew we would come back for them the next day. They would happily believe that we would return to collect a small soft toy but couldn’t believe that we would come back for them.
Neither of us slept that night and we arrived baggy eyed at Mary’s the next morning to pick up two very excited children.
The only complication was, one of them wasn‘t well. Overnight Bethan had developed blisters on her tummy, it was chickenpox, talk about being thrown in at the deep end! In the car on the way to our house the enormity of it all seemed to sink in for Gareth and he started crying, he couldn’t be consoled. We stopped at the supermarket to get some calamine cream, Jane went in and I stayed in the car. I didn’t know how to handle these two children, one howling and the other running a high temperature. I tried acting the clown but got no response at all and was just left feeling stupid and useless, nothing had prepared us for how to handle this. The rest of the day passed in a blur and eventually after smothering Bethan in calamine cream we put them to bed for the first time in their new home. We sat downstairs, shell-shocked, talking in whispers. Every five minutes one of us would go upstairs to check they were still breathing. When we eventually went to bed ourselves we woke at the slightest sound, it just seemed such an enormous responsibility having these children asleep in our house.
It was the official move in day and we’d agreed to go back to Mary’s to say our goodbyes and meet the social workers to sign all the relevant papers. We sat in the small living room and leafed through reams of paperwork, Gareth and Bethan wined impatiently, “When can we go?”. Eventually I said to Gareth, “We can’ go yet, we haven’t even packed your toothbrush.” We returned to the paperwork and were all surprised a few moments later when a tornado shaped as a small boy burst into the room triumphantly holding something in his outstretched hand. “I’ve got my toothbrush, lets go!”. It was time to start being a family.
James A.K.A. ‘Daddy’
Chloe met her mummy and daddy in October 2002 and moved into her new home the following January. They celebrated their Adoption Order in March 2004 when Chloe was 3 1/2
IDEAS AND INFORMATION
Over time, this section can be filled with any topics that you tell us you would like to have more information about; behaviour issues, school issues, writing letter box contacts,…. This time, we bring to you an easy and cheap recipe for play dough!
How to Make Play Dough!!!
INGREDIENTS:
2 cups of cheap plain flour
1 cup of salt
2 tablespoons of cheap cooking oil
2 tablespoons of cream of tartar
1 ½ cups of boiling water
food colouring
HOW TO MAKE IT: Mix together all dry ingredients and oil
Add the water mixed with colour of your choice
Mix to a pliable dough, adding a few more
drops of water as needed
The dough will last longer if kept in an airtight container.
Jane (my favourite play dough colour is pink!)
The team is now fully staffed for the first time in a while, which is good news for us and our families as we are able to focus on additional services such as the rolling program of post-approval workshops and this newsletter! The team also now has capacity to develop services in west Wales, and ultimately if there are enough families in that area, to promote support networks which don’t necessitate coming in to Cardiff.
There has been lots of activity at the post-approval groups with new members joining and people have enjoyed meeting up again with others that they first met on preparation training.
Sera has given birth to a fourth child, named Macsen, after a Roman leader.
In the year April 2006 – end of March 2007, 12 families were approved by St. David’s to adopt, three of these for sibling groups. There is still a need for more families to adopt siblings.
15 children have been placed during this period, 11 aged under four, and 4 aged five to nine. Of these, 2 were children joining siblings who had already been adopted.
11 families celebrated Adoption Orders during this period. Congratulations to all.
Since April 2007, there have also been placements of a single child and a sibling group of three. Another two siblings pairs are due to be placed before Christmas.
This is just a little note of appreciation both to Kate for getting this newsletter up and running and also to all of our families who have contributed. I would also like to feedback to all those adopters who have come along to our Information nights and Preparation training, that we really appreciate your continued support and input as do all the new families who come forward to adopt. Long may you continue to prosper!! Joan
P.S. We have Preparation training in February coming up!!
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